This picture totally makes me laugh. When I think back on those years, my memory insists that my kids were always perfectly matched in Florence Eiseman’s best. Ha! Truth be told, I never met a graphic tee I didn’t buy for my boys.
But actually, this photo is a perfect snapshot of what mattered most to me then—and still does now. Kids who felt free to express themselves, even in what they wore? Yes. Perfectly posed family photos? Not so much.
Today, I was walking with a friend who’s about 15 years behind me in the parenting game. Her oldest is in fifth grade, and she was sharing how hard it is to keep all the balls in the air—keeping her kids happy and involved, working, maintaining friendships, maybe even carving out time for herself. And then, on top of all that, there’s the unspoken expectation that you’ll volunteer for everything.
When Grace was in first or second grade, I remember feeling that same pressure—to help with centers, circles, class parties, all the things. It made sense that the school didn’t want younger siblings tagging along, but it also made things tricky. I only had a sitter one day a week—the day I needed help for work commitments. I couldn’t afford to hire extra help just to volunteer, and I was wrecked with guilt about it.
I needed someone to tell me it was okay not to sign up for everything.
Because I really needed to hear those words, I took the grade school dean to lunch one day. She told me exactly what I needed to hear—something I’ve never forgotten:
“Do what you can, when you can.”
It was the permission I needed then, and the advice I still live by today.
And here’s what I’d add now, looking back: when you finally do come up for air and can give your time, try to be where your kids are. They don’t have to see you, but it’s not the worst thing if they do. There’s comfort in knowing you’re close.
And one more thing—it’s perfectly okay not to be the leader. You don’t have to chair the committee or organize the event. Just show up and be a helper. Sometimes that’s exactly what’s needed most. (My mom and I were actually just talking about this very thing yesterday!)
If I could tell my younger mom self anything, it would be this: You’re already doing enough. The magic isn’t in doing it all—it’s in being there for what matters most.
xo,
