Watching Them Grow

Reposting a portion of what I shared in my substack from today. I feel like it needs a permanent home on my blog. ❤️

Our holiday break officially ended this weekend. Leo and Annie headed back to campus, and just like that, the house is quiet again. We’re back to just three of us.

I’d love to say the quiet means I’m fully back in my routine, but we’re not quite there yet. Jimmy has finals this week, and anyone with a high schooler knows how unpredictable this makes their week. And to keep things interesting, he caps it all off with a four-day weekend.

I remember when the kids were little and I was working in an office—this time of year felt brutal. You just wanted everyone (kids and husband included) back to their regularly scheduled programming so you could resume yours. Thankfully, 17-year-olds are much lower maintenance, but I truly feel for the moms who are deep in the thick of it now.

Over break, Grace stumbled upon something unexpected: old camcorder footage that had long been forgotten. We bought that camcorder when I was pregnant with her—because that’s what first-time parents did back then. We promised ourselves we’d record everything. And we did. We just never watched any of it…until now.

There were hours of footage. Births (ugh—Jimmy was spared because he arrived too fast), first steps, potty training, birthdays, family parties. You name it, Ed recorded it. Watching the kids watch themselves was surreal. They couldn’t believe the things they said or did. And what struck me most was how obvious it was that who they were as toddlers is still who they are today.

But for me, the biggest gift was something else entirely.

Now that they’re all on the verge of being launched, I often carry a quiet kind of angst. Did they know how much I loved them? Did we take them enough places? Were they dressed as cute as I remember dressing them? I told my mom how comforting it was to see that the answer to all of those questions was yes. And she said, “Isn’t it a shame we don’t get that reassurance in real time? It would save so many sleepless nights.”

She’s right.

The biggest surprise, though, was seeing myself. Of course I looked younger, thinner, and completely unsure how to dress. But more than that, I seemed like a shell of who I feel I am now. When you’re in the intense years of simply keeping your children alive, it’s hard to recognize the toll it takes—on your body, your energy, and your sense of self.

Looking back at those years in my 30s and 40s, when I was so deep in it, I wish I could tell her that it will pass. That the worry eases. That the kids are okay. That there’s room for more joy and more fun than she thinks. I’m proud of what we did during those years—and just as proud of who I’ve grown into on the other side of them.

I always tell my kids when they’re disappointed that it’s only because they haven’t peaked yet. Watching those old videos made me realize that’s exactly how I’ve been living my own life.

If you’re in a season that feels consuming or exhausting—trust that you’re doing better than you think. You may not get the reassurance right now—but one day, you’ll look back and see the love, the effort, and the strength so clearly.